Where am I going?

Two questions get asked whenever 'catching up' with a friend: 1) Where are you living next year? and 2) What are you doing this summer? And until this week, I had no answer for either question. I wasn't worried. I knew it would all work out. But is this how it's supposed to work out? Is this the best possible outcome? To address the first question, my friend 'the bexter' is moving into my house! I'm psyched about that one for a few reasons. One, I love the bexter. Two, I love my house and I get to stay here another year! And three, I don't have to pack up and move again. So that one worked out great, even with the landlord telling us we have three days to find someone to live with us or they were renting our house to other people. Anyhow, that brings us to the summer question. My dream is Africa. I want to work with Invisible Children in Uganda. For the first time, IC is accepting volunteers in-country. So I applied. For some reason, all these other amazing opportunities start knocking at my door and I begin to spin. I don't know what hit me. I never considered travelling anywhere else, especially not in Europe. I don't want to spend my summer just enjoying myself. I want to spend my summer impacting the world. However, all this other stuff just sounded so appealing. If I don't go to Africa, then I can go to Scotland, England, and Ireland in May, Las Vegas for my 21st in June, probably Illinois or Hawaii in the beginning of July, possibly a youth conference with my girls at the end of July, and New York City for the Bexter's 21st in August. All the while, working in between and making money instead of starting school in debt again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! And for some unknown reason, I feel the need to make this decision before hearing back from Invisible Children. So of course I call the mom, hoping she'll tell me what she would do if she were me, only to be told "Honey, you're going to have to decide for yourself. You have to make your own decisions." Not the most wanted advice for an indecisive person! So I decide to just do it. Just buy a plane ticket and then there's no question anymore. That's it. I'm going to Scotland and all those other amazing places this summer and not helping a single person in the process. That's how I think. I made this decision and now I will see every selfish thing about it and beat myself up. Why can't I just look at the fact that I will spend the rest of my life committing my work to Africa so it's not so bad to experience everything I can while I'm in college? When else am I going to have this opportunity with friends in college... completely unnattached... FREE!? This is the opportunity of a life time to enjoy that freedom. But I just keep thinking about the people in the world that have never even had the chance to take a 'vacation.' I keep thinking about my families in Tanzania that I'm not going to see again. About the selfish nature of my decision. About the disappointment in Johnson's voice when I tell him I'm not coming back this year. About all the opportunities to use my gifts that I'm missing out on. I sure hope I made the right decision. I hope that I don't regret this choice for the next year. I hope that I make amazing memories that I wouldn't trade for the world. And I hope that I don't feel guilty about that. I will be back to Africa. And it will be soon. Just not this summer.

i've been given this opportunity. this dream life. it should be a privilege to live it yet i feel like it's the one thing stopping me from living the life i want to live. my passion lies not with nursing, not with my friends, and not with the church (although these are what fill my every second)... my passion lies with africa and i don't know why. nobody introduced me to the struggles of the african peoples. nobody even bothered to show me a world outside america. and i didn't find it--it found me. it captured me when i was too naive to understand that it would cause me the most uncomfortable inner struggle if i listened to its call. i wanted to live the american dream until this force broke my heart for africa. now i would give up everything for the opportunity to live and die fulfilling my heart's desire. it's not right for me to think i'd even help one person. i was naive enough to think i would help people when i went to tanzania. i know better now. africans will teach you more about life, God, and the world in five minutes than you could ever learn in five years from the typical american. (which, let's face it. most of us are the typical american. nothing is ever enough. a car that runs is not good enough. we need a better one. a digital camera is only good enough until a smaller one comes out. the old ipod, even though it works, is somehow not good enough because there's a newer one. i personally am most guilty of never having enough clothes even though my closet is not big enough to hold my rediculous amounts of them. i live in the freaking desert, yet i've collected 20 or more jackets. if that's not selfish, greedy, and typically american, i don't know what is) and this tangent reminds me of the insane rate at which we discard our money. talk about ending world hunger... i swear that if the people in this society who live above the poverty line could live under their means instead of at their means, there would be no problem with the distribution of wealth in this world. and i understand that we have an abundant amount of problems within our own borders to deal with. i know poverty strikes our neighbors too, but i cannot conduct the beat of my heart's passion. for some reason God has seemingly fashioned me for this work on the other side of the world. and yet i am stuck here. stuck in this cultureless society that helps me believe that beauty and wealth and popularity equal success. of course, while i am here, i must simultaneously make the most out of every opportunity and plan my next escape. having so much passion has been the biggest blessing and the biggest curse. there is probably one person i know that shares my heart completely. i cannot blame my friends that they do not care in the same way that i do. they are all passionate people in some way. yet i find myself frustrated that everyone does not share my priorities. i am bouncing back and forth between this wall of uncertainty and incompetence, and this wall of fire that will catapult me on this passionate journey- one on which i will never look back. but in the midst of this inner struggle, i know i should be going to bed and cutting off this rambling of my heart because i do have a test tomorrow, on which, if i don't do well then i won't excel in nursing school, and that's what life is all about, right? I'm supposed to be a good steward of God's gifts and opportunities but sometimes it all seems so pointless. in the scheme of things does school really matter? at the same time, the work i want to do with my life would ensure that children in africa get an education. so why do i care more about getting other people educated than finishing my own education which i am so incredibly lucky, scratch that, blessed to have the opportunity to complete? yet in the end, i know that the only thing that matters in life is a relationship with God. but if that's the case, then why do we have to live this life before we have communion with Him anyways? i won't even go there. that would ruin me. ha, i almost wish i was one of those people who is completely content growing up, going to college, getting married, having kids, and dying old. unfortunately for me, i can't surely check any one of those things. it's amazing what you can learn about yourself when God takes away things you though were important to you and shows you what he was preparing you to handle. this will surely be an interesting journey.